Confused

I’m all over the place today. I’m tired, and finding it hard to concentrate. My mood keeps bouncing, I’m too happy, too excited, agitated, trying to ignore things that are weighing me down (like the work I’m avoiding doing and life admin that needs sorting). I can’t give anything my full attention, I’m ‘flitting’. I want to make lots of plans. I want to over commit myself. I’m bored with things that already are, I’m hankering for excitement and feeling impulsive. I might book a holiday or by a house.

I don’t know if this is well or sick. I don’t know if I’m ‘too high’, or this is a bpd lurch, or if this is ‘the pink cloud’ or if this is what being well and normal feel like. I don’t know, and I have no way of finding out. So Im just enjoying it and rolling with it and trying to keep an eye on the madness (financially) and not lose total site of the things that need doing…but I would love to know if this is good or not. Or maybe it’s a ‘grey area’. Apparently that’s a thing lol. It can’t be bpd because I don’t have it, I’m not important enough for ‘professionals’ to listen to, I’m too well to give the time of day to. So it must just be me being silly.

That’s bad thinking that’s not helpful, doesn’t get me anywhere.

My husband has gone out this evening and I have to try and not lose it if he’s what I consider late, I need to not get anxious that he’ll come back too drunk to take my daughter to school or that he won’t come home at all. I need to. Not. Freak. Out.

Soooo much easier said than done. But I’m going to try, I’m going to type this, have a bath, watch some telly and BE CHILL. I will be. I can be. I am completely normal. I just have to remember to ignore how I feel in order to be normal. Ugh.

Will I ever not feel itchy and restless? It seems like this is as good as it gets, it’s either this, distressed or depressed. When do I get to be content, relaxed or…peaceful??? Lol.

My head feels like there’s flies in it, whizzing haphazardly round it like they do in the kitchen in summer, too dozy from stealing sugar to find the door; too high to stop, frantic and fierce, bashing bluntly into obstacles that inadvertently cross their paths. Rolling with the blows, with their loud, buzzing drone keeping irregular rhythm to their melodic jamboree.