Sober Me

So here is my blog space! I’m writing this because I need to get me story out. I’m 5months sober, which is a complete miracle, but I’m entirely alone in my sobriety. And it needs to start leaking out.

An introduction.

I’m Katy. I’m an English teacher, a mother to two small children, a wife, a BPD sufferer and an alcoholic. Oh and a seriously struggling PhD student, but that aside for now. I’ve been drinking heavily since I was a young teen. I’m 35 in three weeks’ time and on the first of this year I woke up knowing I couldn’t drink again. Scared to drink again because I’m terrified I may never stop again. I’m the child of an alcoholic mother and I don’t want to live the life she’s living, so I began my foray into sobriety. Clueless and planless, I did what days before was unthinkable. I stopped drinking.

And so far, I’ve stayed stopped. But I need to start writing down my thoughts and my feelings, I need to start telling my story. It feels too much for me to hold, and I also am edging increasingly toward a need to be heard. To share, to open up about all this crazy, exhausting stuff I’ve had bottled up and rattling around inside me my whole damn life. Edging mind, anonymous blog yes, discuss with real live human being anytime soon, uh uh.

I am loving sobriety. It’s like a whole new world has been released to me, like Jasmine on her carpet I cannot believe the sites I’m seeing. It was here all along but so far out of reach. I’ve spent the last 20odd years locked in a prison of despair, and suddenly I’m free. But I can’t tell anyone. Utter madness.

And alongside my alcoholism, there the righteous rollicks of BPD. For transparency, I am not ‘officially’ diagnosed. I have had 3 professionals concur it is suspected. I also have numerous disastrous encounters with the nhs mental health system that I have retreated from each time, more pained, more sick, and more desperate. I do not blame the nhs, but the shit state of this country and the chronic underfunding our health service endures, the continual dismissal of the social epidemic of poor mental health in our society and the lack of research and training leading to poor professional care. But this isn’t about that. If you’re reading this and you fundamentally object to any sort of self diagnosis or your only belief is that mental health should be managed by professionals this is not the blog for you. I have spent forever dreaming of professionals who will come and rescue me and each attempt I’ve bitterly failed to find that help. So rather than, literally, die waiting, I am here, attempting to help myself, the only way I know how with the resources I have right now. And right now, that happens to be this blog space.

What I hope to gain? Clarity through the therapeutic process of formulating the written word. A bunch of stuff I can plough back through when I need to, perhaps with the help of that mystical professional that will one day find me. A record of the next incredible few months as I continue my sober journey. And perhaps even a connection with a like minded soul who may stumble across my ramblings some day. Who knows. For now, I’ll go back to pretending I’m normal, until next time reader…